Exposure Therapy In The Air

I started this blog initially for travel, at a time when I had recently explored a few countries in Europe, and felt my wanderlust lulling me to different lands. When I reflect on CLC’s beginning, it makes me sad to know how much adventure played a role in its creation. Now, I live with a dread that keeps me on the ground.

The fear has always existed, but only as discomfort. For years it was only as I buckled myself into my cramped economy seat that my limbs tightened. In the last two years, to even see someone pulling their luggage along the sidewalk, makes my limbs tighten. In a 2017 trip, I was the last to walk the tarmac before entering the plane, and stopped before I was in the flight attendant’s sight. I stood there, repeatedly looking back, truly considering turning away from a trip to Dublin. I felt extremely alone in that moment, knowing that every second reinforced how bad this had gotten. This fear, which had grown into such a debilitating phobia that I could only imagine the world, confined me to my city. I still worry that it does.

confined

There have been many spaces in which I have felt trapped and therefore ready to fall apart. In those spaces where there are many eyes and ears to see me lose composure instills even more panic. The wild knowledge is this all exists in my head. I conjure fear out of nothing, the most comfortable of contexts can suddenly become the nest of panic if I see I have no way out. It is strange to know I am in no danger and yet feel it imminently. So, I’m left to reckon with the trauma yet unseen and logic that seems ill equipped to handle it. I have only been able to gather ideas as to where the lovely mix of agoraphobia and claustrophobia comes from.

I want to know the why because I’ve reasoned (there goes that plea for logic) that if there is a cause, a root, then I can heal it. Emotions confined to my body, unable to be released. Memories confined to my head, unable to be revisited. It has only been a recent realization that confined is a word fitting for more than just my physical experience. If I can find any root, I see grief as a possibility. That yet unseen trauma could be the past trauma flooding to my present? Tucked away is sometimes the best coping mechanism, but it must be tended to eventually. So, what if my traumas are revealing themselves in the places where I can’t run away? Where I can’t engage my body in a different place, the bustle must slow down. And if others are around me, the emotional wreck that I am will show, and that is a terrifying place to be in.

So, I sort of have a reason. If I suddenly feel an urge to weep without cause, why wouldn’t a place in which I physically can’t leave, spark a sense of panic? Further question, what the hell do I do about it?

making space for wonder

with creative exposure therapy

For more than just the why…

I may never fully know the exact cause of these phobias. If grief manifests in different ways, if trauma lives in the body, then the why may be an impermanent thing. But the phobia’s existence does not have to become embedded in my thinking. What does it look like to live with it and through it?

The Mayo Clinic says that the “cause of a phobia is actually less important than focusing on how to treat the avoidance behavior that has developed over time”. Instead, it is about improving the quality of life and knowing, with such a complex demand, it is still possible to live with phobias. There are tools to do that very thing, to get in the air.

Exposure therapy is about gentle confrontation to the thing you fear, without the intention of threatening your well-being. When a phobia or disorder wrecks your life, it is a logical idea to avoid it. The risk, though, is the fear can deepen into your psyche as your body reinforces the danger because you’ve successfully defended yourself. There are multiple ways of addressing the fear, from intense physical to gradual imaginative exposure. When you repeatedly enter into those spaces or even thoughts of the fear, with the application of tools like a support system or relaxation techniques, the result is a break in the pattern of anxiety and avoidance.

sensory adjustments

place

My exposure therapy has involved sitting in the airport for about 20-30 minutes. The first time felt strange, as I took the light rail on a Saturday morning just to sit in the waiting area near the Alaska Air kiosks, or plant myself near the baggage claim conveyor belt. Though I’m sure no one looked at me suspiciously, as if they knew my intentions that day were neither to travel nor welcome someone to Seattle, I definitely felt exposed. This created more stress, which amped my final fear of boarding a plane, which was a perfect place to settle into wonder.

sound

Since Covid came into the picture, sitting in the discomfort of the airport became a less logical therapy to do. So, quarantined to my home, I decided to recreate the other elements of flying. It is ultimately the tightness of the environment that throws my body into panic, but the sounds contribute immensely too. I began to inundate myself with its unique reverberation. I fell asleep to airplane white noise and listened for a few hours to the clank and clunk of a plane making its way to take off, I practiced “yoga on airplane” videos to calm the restlessness that I knew (and know) will want to turn into a run. In the beginning, the sounds and visuals sparked the anxiety. In time, the anxiety dimmed as the sounds normalized. Amazing, really, how the details of an environment, their simple association to the main fear, can be enough to cause stress. And, amazing still, how engaging in those sounds while in different moods, while releasing the day into sleep, removed some of that spark.

breath

A sub-category to body, yet also a category all its own. Finding my breath has been one of the surest ways to bring my anxiety down. It has also been the hardest to do. One technique, which I learned from a writer on Medium, is a 5 step word affirming inhale/exhale method. In your inhale you start by saying “in” and on your exhale, the word “out”. The following groups of breaths focus on inhaling empowering and healing language, while exhaling the negative and anxious. I appreciate it for the body and mind focus approach. When my mind is split in a 1,000 directions, 500 of which are anxiety driven, it is uplifting to find restoration in the breath through words. The simplicity is in the repetition of powerful words. Inhale peace, exhale fear.

thought

The mind is strong enough to create the fear, it can just as powerfully create the remedy. Proactive thoughts, ones that both engage the phobia and divert my attention from it, have been tremendously helpful. I am often quick to judge myself for how I’ve let this fear limit me, so inclined to annoyance when I notice the nausea build in my stomach. Instead, I try to speak to it. You are okay, this sucks but you’re still in the process, you can do this, is the new cadence that reinforces grace. What I am going through is difficult, frustrating, and also entirely understandable (even if I think it illogical). I have the power to respond in exactly the way to keep me going so what was once a coping mechanism becomes truth. Foolish becomes forgiving.

the new narrative

When I first started writing this piece, I was glued to the ground. I watched planes move smoothly through the sky until clouds swallowed them, the only trace left was the white line erasing the blue in its path. All the while I thought nothing was going to shift. But with all of this work I’ve been doing, with the life changes prompting me to really ask how far this phobia would affect me, the reward of fulfilling my passion outweighed the fear.

And so I got onto a plane. Six in fact, because apparently I’m a jump-in-the-deep-end kind of learner (not true). In truth, life circumstances informed me that the decision to visit Boston, my partner’s new home where we would begin our long distance relationship, was big. To stay in Seattle would have been a major regret for me. And I hate regret.

So, in the building months I did everything I described above and focused on the repeated experience of sincere peace and calm, along with the emotional chaos. I payed especial attention to the end of every trip I’ve been on where the timeline included fear and contentment, even at times joy.

One moment I will always come back to: the view of mountain tops and witnessing the clouds in such close proximity they became my horizon, instead of the sky I never thought I’d be reacquainted with. It is magic. There is nothing else like it. When I think of the three years I have now lived with this anxiety’s worst form, I have vast evidence showing both struggle and prosperity. When I talk about it in its fullest detailed sense, I am empowered to write another one.

“ I am dancing in my mind, i am smiling in this space that has had the power to make me weep. i am striding the line of panic, but i feel so excited too. So why not sit, immovable it may seem, in this emotion. It says you are not only fine right now, you are thriving, as you were made to be. "

One step at a time.

This process is chaotic and cyclical with breakthroughs and reversions. Ultimately, it is a terse lesson that panic and excitement can be held simultaneously. Yes, phobias are so debilitating and navigation requires great tenderness, and how amazing is it to land on the runway of Boston, San Diego, and Seattle. And to know there are so many more to stride.

.Kels.