Restoring my Creative Impulse
Creativity feels like a sacred practice sometimes. It feels special and fulfilling, both in the quiet of my own company and with others. The reality of money feels like a burden sometimes. I am familiar with tight means and strategic payment plans that require its own creativity like my late fees triage. It is an exhausting way to live and art has always had the power to restore me, even if only incremental.
At many times, with ever-eager creativity and ever-present debt, I dreamed to make my living through art and to obtain a certain release from the demands of money. It is the whole idea of thrive instead of survive, my life mantra that I hoped could be built upon financial freedom. The path I took to seek that consequent in a painful shame spiral that compelled me to abandon my art for a long time. As determined as I was to be financially at peace, I am now determined to be creatively at peace, too.
The crippling educational Path
In 2018, I had a significant amount of that debt, wavering confidence, and that ever-eager creativity. Debt remains a triggering dilemma from my adolescence. I saw the emotional labor my Mom grappled with, a transparency that my 17 year self didn’t know how to handle. At 27, I felt I needed to avoid such a place myself. If only I could live that out.
I came across a marketing opportunity on Instagram that seemed to cradle my anxiety and speak of a financial promise that would not just make my situation stable, but would also help others find the freedom to pursue their own dreams. It seemed like such a cool opportunity, predicated on self-belief, but became riddled with doubt as I could never tell whether the ache in my stomach was insecurity or intuition telling me this was not where I’d find stability.
My plastic cards sparked tears and collections threats collected my peace as well as my money. So, here I was trying to avoid the weight, and instead stacked over 50k of debt on my shoulders. I can do this stuck to my lips as reality revealed, I couldn’t. And I didn’t. The organization, a pyramid scheme that the FTC shut down 2 years ago, was effective in inspiring each person to use their creativity through their system. And for me, lose a sense of it.
content for consumption sake
My writing, which was my creative tool, became foreign and stained. I felt an earnest liar, utilizing funnel systems and call to actions on multiple Instagram accounts to convince people that this was an honest route to burden relieved. Even more painful, it did bring some to that financial freedom, so evidence told me this was a route, if only I did it better. I was genuinely hopeful, but it was heavily loaded with the tactics that play on people’s insecurities to take risks. Coaches had a way of insisting just hard enough to deepen pockets of their success whether you became so or not and zero refund policies ensured it. That peace of mind was not possible for me. I’ll add it was complicated, I met some amazing people who I believe honestly worked to help others, yet, I wish I had not dived in so deep. I believe now that nothing healing truly makes your stomach turn so sour.
I know many artists who sustain their life through their art, and do so beautifully. The monetization of a craft is a fine pursuit and there remains a continual grapple with money as a tool versus money as a necessity. Capitalistic pressures certainly exist and the question of creative integrity is a real one. I have asked the question around content for consumption sake, whether my artistic pursuits are to feed my desire for fuller pockets or nourish connection and resonance. And, frankly, I wanted it all to be the kind of success you could read in numbers. Dollar signs and follower counts were indicators of whether what I produced had enough value to ensure the change I needed. Part of that idea was reinforced through the system I was taught, and also by a societal definition decided by the hand of social media.
Consumption for Community Sake
It was through social media that I learned about Digital Altitude. It is also through social media that I continue to witness and meet artistry and community every day.
Interestingly, one of the most helpful lessons I learned through my online marketing experience was to identify your why. When you have a sense of the message you want to send, the effect you want to have, all of that establishes a foundation for when times get challenging. In my case, the very vessel through which I learned that, was the greatest challenge. When I think on my why, it always comes back to people and connection. I grin at the idea of sharing the insights of artists, friends and strangers alike, who I admire. The fact that one of my great loves of writing can be combined with the upliftment of people, is a tremendous reason to keep creating.
Where I grin at those ideas, I cringe at the way I tried to work the system for success. I had my why in mind, but it always conflicted by the very nature of asking those I wanted to uplift to invest in something so risky. So, community sake feels different now. If my art is to be consumed, let it be for a purpose not tethered to my insecurities and fears. I risked so much because I was afraid of living out the same financial burden as my Mom. I risked so much because, without fully acknowledging it, I thought this opportunity was THE way to freedom. I narrowed my focus so much I lost sight, chose to keep it a secret from my community because I was ashamed by my failure, and look away from the reality-check staring at me.
So, back to purpose. My most favorite work includes those pieces where I extend myself to learn from others. These personal essays have a lot of I’s in them and they are a direct reflection of the people around me who inspire me to restore, heal, and express.
In that inspiration I see that it is OK for the two to co-exist. Profit does not ultimately result in some sacrificed ingenuity, rather it asks for continual accountability. I dove into a system that was not right for me, and it burned my conception of the purpose and value of my creativity. But it does not have to end there.
what my art looks like with or without
I vacillate between wanting as many people as possible to consume my art to enjoying the possibility that only a few loved ones will visit my blog. If I attempt that meditative breath and pause the desperation, then the motivation changes. Yes, I still want people to consume my art, but it starts and ends at the genuineness of my intentions and not the plea for profit by numbers. At this point in time, I need what I create to exist without the tethering of success by marketing. I need to practice and share without putting the pressure of perfection, which means whatever the result; critique, praise, silence, is OK. May my art touch someone. If it does that would forever remain a blessing, and, may it also touch me, remind me to come back to that ever-eager drive to simply craft.
I sought out every resource to pay down my debt while I tried to pick apart my shame and I found my feet exploring new ground. Though there still remains a part of me that wishes to undo that time, the awareness I’ve developed is a gift. I would not have such realization without the experience, and my art, this joyful thought-haven that wants to be home to interior design projects, water color flowers, artist features, cooking experiments, thrift fashion, hand modeling, and the whole damn rainbow, is powerful enough to outlast the crippled sense of self. It was not my higher self, not the creative who loves to love through mistakes no matter how inane. I have no desire to define myself by such a distorted perspective anymore. There is still so much to try and do.
To the artists who choose to create for an audience of one to those who create for the countless, power to you. I hope your creativity will always be fulfilling.
.Kels.