Time Sensitive Reminder: Find the Moon
When I met them, I didn’t know how much the natural world would become our context. That we would have such a context at all. The narrative is filled with observations of the bees and their dance on flower petals, bird sounds and their names, sprinklers weirdly watering only a tennis court and not the grass, cute and ugly dogs, elusive chipmunks, leaves falling, trees whistling, rain we let hit our heads rather than umbrellas, clouds, God in the clouds, early morning skylines, ice cream for breakfast, one night of stars from a tower, a tomato plant story (from the favorite book of mine), paved and pebbly walkways, small tides from small boats ebbing the shoreline. And the moon.
For a time, we sent brief messages to one another when we noticed her glowing, those dark pockets like holy reservoirs of wonder. Sometimes we would ask, have you seen it? Sometimes, we offered, wherever you are, try to see it. I hope that you get to see it. It is incredible, marvelous, breath-taking. Usually the invitation was when we were miles apart and I was immediately brought close into their company. I still believe it to be spiritual. Intimacy that stretches miles. One of those messages from them, a go find it if you can, prompted my phone to ask me if I wanted to schedule it. Sir iPhone titled it “Find the Moon”. I laughed and let the invitation sit there, delighted that of all the location ideas and travel whims the two of us talked of, my phone would choose to ask about integrating this one. Find the moon.
When I met them, I didn’t know that there would be revelation and uprooting. A relationship I wanted to last fell apart from this catalyst I actively pursued. I pursued because the revelation felt foundational. It was a spark my heart drew my attention to even when I didn’t have the words for it. Words I am still finding. It does include alignment between truth and life lived honestly. So, though I don’t understand the grain pattern, the plank fits in place. As I trace the rings to more understanding I painfully understand its placement has meant dismantling some already built. That my actions created this alongside his. Something deep I will always want to understand, to heal.
Find the moon.
And will love myself through in the process. This reminder brings me back to the present, back to a delight that anchored loose confidence of exploring a strangely familiar unknown without the stability I knew. When the reminder comes, I can’t always find the moon, but I know it’s there, and the reminder becomes a natural impulse to always look up. A natural inkling to wonder at the power of loss and healing. A natural intuition to trust that the peace in my shoulders is not the surface consolation painted by avoidance, but deep rest, a resin of assurance.
So, I continue to find the moon every day. Each day I have on this earth, however many are or are not with them, however many I grieve that I no longer get to share with him, I will live by the truth only my God and I can understand. It is enough.
Find the moon.